What the?!?!

So, I was wandering around some of my favorite sites this morning and came across something interesting over at mama dawgs site and had to try it out.  This was my score:

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

It doesn't show it, but at the top of the photo it says: This is 755% MORE than other websites who took this test.

Are you freaking kidding me? They have to be looking at things other than cuss words. I usually * out the vowels, how did they get me? Was it my use of phrases like: gay birds(The birds aren't even mine, they are Kandaces!), boobs, ass kicked, lesbian, oh shit (same post as boobs), grab ass, or juices a flowin'? However putting them all together makes it seem worse than it really is.

I wonder what my score will be after this post?

Funny things that come out of my mouth...

By things, I mean words and phrases.  I don't really do it on purpose, it comes from opening my mouth before thinking.  Or the occasional misreading.

For example last night I said this to my husband (imagine a high pitched whinny voice:  "Stoooopppp, your getting me wet with your cheese condensation."  

I bet you are thinking, what the h*ll is she talking about.  Let me explain.  We live in the Midwest, or as I like to call it 'The Land of Humidity' in the summer.  Last night was particularly humid.  I wanted a cheese stick to snack on.  I took two out of the old fridgeroo, one for each of us,  and by the time made it to the couch the wrapper was already beading with water.  He unwrapped his and shook it in my face while the condensation hit me, hence the phrase that came out of my mouth.

Bet you've never heard cheese condensation before.  Me neither.  

Other classics I have orally spewed:

That was wicked painful! When I hurt myself.

Idiot rod for the Iditorod race they do in Alaska each year.

For the life of me I can't pronounce Liberace's name.

Constanippley for Constantinople

Things I have said while driving with my windows open that have been overheard:

"It's called a leash, why don't you f*cking use one!" To someone who lives down the street who lets her dog run free.  She will even run into the street as you are driving past to stop you from hitting her dog.  A toy poodle.  Not very smart for a lawyer.

"Learn to f*cking drive!" Earlier today as I drove through the subdivision.  We have city wide garage sales today and people come from all over to scope out your crap.  I got an Amen from a guy standing within earshot of my rage.

Actually, I use the above phrase quite a bit while driving.  Usually, I don't get a response, but I'll take it.

Things that drive me nuts when they come out of someone else's mouth:

It drives me nuts when people repeatedly mispronounce words.  At least with adults.  

I work with someone who uses the word Frustrated a lot.  However, she does not pronounce the first 'r' and repeatedly says Fustrated.  One time after she used the phrase I responded with Yes, that is FRUSTRATING, isn't it"  She didn't get it.

What drives you nuts or what have you orally spewed that was hilarious or inappropriate?

Friday Foto Finish Fiesta 7.25

This weeks installment of Friday Foto Finish Fiesta is this little number here:

Why is it my favorite you ask?  Well this is a foto (not a very good one) of the uprooted walnut tree that fell during the recent storm we had on Monday.  The real reason it's my favorite is due to the fact that it fell sideways along the wood line and we didn't have to cut it up.  It is exacting its revenge though.  Our yard is sinking even more and there are green walnuts everywhere that have to be picked up before we mow.  But at least it didn't fall in our yard!!!

We Won an Award!

Thank you Judy over at Coffee Jitters for the award. I am glad you love the monkeys. I try to keep things upbeat and funny.

Both my blogs were nominated for this award two days apart. I am nominating the same people on both, I spent too long coming up with 7, I can't imagine 14. If you haven't checked (or knew about) my other blog and are interested, click here.

Here's how it works:
1. Put the logo on your blog. Check
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you. Check
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. Check x7
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog. Check
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog. Working on it...

In no particular order I would like to nominate:

Mama Dawg for her daily dose of funny. My favorite as of late was the photo bombers. (Make sure to click on the links) Since then I have been on the lookout for people taking pictures so I can bomb someone.

Kandace from One Crazy Chick. I loved her posts about her gay birds.

Carrie over at Camp Candid Carrie because of the daily fun and adventures she takes us on. However due to the nature of her site, I will not be offended if it just makes the sidebar.

Shannon from 5 Phillips Kids for her families love of monkeys.

Miss Blondie and her boys love of boobs.

Jennifer over at The Fun House. She's a lot of fun to read. Warning, there is a clown at the top. A friendly, not creepy clown. And last but not least is

Lindz over at Couture Me If You Can. I just love her post about measuring imaginary wieners. Go on and visit them and check out their blogs. There is a lot of fun stuff out there.

Aren't you glad your not my neighbors!

On Monday we had a massive wind storm tear through our area leaving us powerless.  Trees fell on power lines, some even collapsing to the ground.  Everyone in my family is o.k.  Our yard was barely damaged.  It took a few hours to clean up the debris, but all in all we are very lucky.  The few trees that did go down were on the woods line and all fell that direction.  YEAH!  That kept us from having to dismantle a 30' Walnut tree.

I consider us very lucky in the scheme of things.  We only lost power.  In fact we still don't have power nor does it look like it until Friday at the earliest.   That's o.k. we have been making due with movies by laptop in the evenings and many rounds of cards.

Unfortunately our next door neighbors are not so luck because this is on their shed.

You can't really see it, but that is one very large tree that broke off almost at its base.  It is kinda leaning on it, and I hope things don't get worse because.....  They are on vacation and won't be back until this weekend.  Maybe they will get lucky and the power will be back on when they get here!  

I must say living the technologyless life is not for me.  I like my gadgets.  I'll just have to be patient and things will be back to normal in no time.

If you are wondering how I am posting, I am over at my parent's house charging up my laptop and using their wifi.  I raided the fridge earlier too.... You have to.  It's your right as their children.  Dad will  be happy though, I left him some beer.

Friday Foto Finish Fiesta

Yesteray on Carries Blog, she mentioned the tornados that touched down in her area. Fortunately, everyone is ok. It reminded me of this little foto. On the last day of school, I came to work to this:

We were very lucky it was a teacher inservice and students weren't there. I can't image what a group of middle schoolers would do to this! I guess there must have been some rotting in the trunk. But for it to be completely upside down! Wild. We thought about making a t-shirt with the logo "We turn learning upside down" but it didn't go over well. The front doors were also blocked by a fallen tree and there were limbs all over the football field. This wasn't caused by a tornado either, just strong winds. (I may need Weather Moose to sort that out for me.)

Thanks for checking out the fx4. If you have the time, yesterdays posts had a contest and a funny story involving my boobs...

In a past life...

For nine long, painful years I worked at a swimming pool with my best friend Nae.  Throughout the years we life guarded and taught swimming lessons.  We had both good and bad times.  I had to deal with her anger when I became assistant manager over her.  Come on I was the responsible one, of course, and older.  We would sing and dance on the diving blocks.  Mock the high school boys staring inappropriately at the young blossoming girls in their overly tight bikinis.

During swimming lessons, we would teach the little ones how to swim.  We always had the three year olds, which are the most fun.  We would teach them how to swim like a fluke, float on their backs and how to hold their breath under water.  After class we would head on in and shower in the locker room filled with little kids running around trying to get ready before we opened for business.  

Eventually we ended up living together, cheaper than paying rent on your own.  She moved into my apartment with her gorgeous greyhound Beck.  She had a thing for the singer and named her dog after him.  Weird, I know.  Even weirder, her greyhound was beige.  I didn't know they came in that color.

We also both attended the same junior college, so we could carpool.  We even had a few classes together and go to co-author a paper on Descartes' Epistemology for our Philosophy class.  We did such a great job that we got to present it to the class.  Not really Nae's thing, but she survived. 

Eventually we grew apart as friends often do.  She moved to the other side of the country.  We keep in touch through myspace occassionaly.  I hear she is in a lesbian relationship with an old friend. LOL, we should have just stayed together....... 

And Scene.  This is my entry for Mama's Losin it's contest.  You should enter, its a lot of fun.

Have you ever...

Have you ever had a day when you felt GREAT about the way you looked? Your hair was perfect, outfit flawless, makeup done up to perfection. You feel better about yourself. You walk a little taller. You are proud to be you.

I had one of those days last week. I felt, in a word, sexy. Wore my new V-neck top, which is a bit lower than the ones I usually wear. Put my contacts in, donned some makeup, did my hair and set off into the world.

I got a couple of "hey there" looks while I patrolled the isles of the grocery story, carrying my ecofriendly reusable bags. Ooohh, I am eye candy! So, yeah, I flaunted it up a bit. Walked like I was Queen Jen. Got a little junk in my trunk, so why not use it.

Before I go on, I must say one other thing. In the boob department, I am well endowed. (not bragging, I've got the back pain to prove it) So well in fact that I have had to go to specialty stores to find an apparatus capable of taming these ladies. This is important in a few seconds.... keep reading, it gets good.

After I pay for my groceries, I head over to the liquor department to get a nice bottle of Merlot to go with dinner. More "hey there" looks. Man, I must have done it up right. I look good. When I got to the checkout, the woman had a funny look on her face (maybe she had gas?) took my money and sent me on my way.

I then headed over to the bank to get some money. I usually go through the teller lane closest to the building. That day, the line was too long. I don't like using the "money tube" lane (that's what I call it, don't know what its really called). So impersonal. I made my transaction and was leaning over to get my money. I have an SUV and have to kind of lean up and over the car window. I get my money, look up, and see a very frighteningly scary looking man staring at me. More like leering. It really creeped my out. What was going on.

That's when I finally looked down..... My cute new little V-neck shirt had shifted position exposing the right lady to parts of daylight she's never seen in public. Oh shit, have I been walking around exposing the world to my ginormous tatas? That would explain the looks I got. Oh well, I hope I made someones day.

Today, I am wearing that same shirt. Headed out to the video store and picked up The Bank Job to watch tonight. Before walking into the store, made sure I wasn't exposing things I shouldn't in public. All was fine and good. Got home, headed to go to the bathroom. Oh shit, my zippers down.....

SITS Recipe Feature

Welcome ladies and gents visiting from SITS. Feel free to stay a while and look around. There is some good reading and beaded bobbles eye candy if you have the time. If you are looking for some funny, check out adult book store antics and ranch pants. They are a bit lenghty, but very funny. Oh, yeah and true stories...

The two adult beverage recipes featured are very simple and delicious. Give them a try on a hot summer day and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. The Strawberry Margarita Sorbet can work with almost any fruit. I am anxious to do a mango sorbet, but living in the midwest makes it hard to find good ones.

Hope you like the site or at least the recipes. Thanks for visiting, come back soon and comment your little hearts out.

Hiccup Cure, yeah!

I have a bad habit of annoying hiccups! Not by fault but by nature. I have always had this weird thing when I start hiccuping, I can't stop. A few years ago I was at a bar with some friends and I got the hiccup cure from the bartender (who was annoyed by my hiccuping):

Fill a shot glass with Roses Lime juice
Top with 5-8 drops of Angostura bitters.

Both non-alcoholic, tastes terrible, works like a charm. How do I know, just tried it again. I hate having hiccups! But the cure works.

Would you like to win one of these?

Hello all!  I am hosting a scavenger hunt via Camp Candid Carrie.  These are some of the prizes up for grabs.  If you want to participate, head on over to Two Knit Monkeys and join the fun.  Contest ends 7/13/08 at 11:00PM CST.  Good luck and happy hunting!

Necklace one:  Made of 4mm turquoise rounds with silver spacers.  It is about 16 inches long with a barrel clasp.

Necklace 2:  This is a personal favorite of mine, made of flourite and citrine.  If you suffer from high anxiety, this is the necklace for you.  Very simple, yet elegant at the same time.  Approximately 18.5 inches in length.

Necklace 3: Here we have another Florite and Citrine, this one has a pendant well made of Russian Agate.  The pendant is a light grey with black and creamy highlights within.  Approx. 18 inches in length with the hook clasp.

Necklace 4:  This one is a steal.  Made with golden jade, amber, and yellow quartz.  This one also has a Russian Agate pendant.  This pendant is a creamy yellow with dark yellow highlights.  Approximately 20 inches long.

Necklace 5: Made of Czech glass with a dragonfly pendant.  This one actually can come in a variety of colors: Red, Purple (shown above), Blue, Green, Yellow, and Orange.  If you want it in a different color scheme, all you have to do is let me know, I have all the supplies on hand to recreate this one.    This one is approx. 18.5 inches in length, however if you choose a different color scheme, The length can also be adjusted.

Happy hunting and I hope to see you soon.  

Also, I have had some questions about purchasing one of these. Contact me via e-mail and we can set up arrangements and payment through paypal. It is subject to beads I have in stock.  

The Island

Mama Dawg had some responses to her post today about Jesse Jackson that reminds me of a game we used to play with an old bartender friend.  You choose 5-10 people, famous or not to be stranded on a desert island/die in a plane crash, etc.  Each week, there would be different rules or number of people that you could put there.  

For example: 

• Only famous people
• Famous dead people
• People that simply piss you off
• Co-workers
• Store chains
• People who died to soon that you would save, etc.

Jesse Jackson is and always will be at the top of the list mostly because of what he did in Decater a few years.  Other frequent names on our lists: (I am really bad at spelling names, so bear with me)

• Rosie O'Donell
• Bette Middler
• Gilbert Godfriey
• Andrew Dice Clay
• Carrot Top
• Dr.Phil
• Martha Stewert (secretly I want to be that crafty, I'm close)

I can't think of any more, but will add to the list as it goes.  Who is on your list?

She's a puker

And by she, I mean me. Last night, I got sick. Not a little sick but lay on the bathroom floor with my pillow sick. I didn't have much to drink, or so I thought. (maybe it was the egg I put in the fried rice, did it cook all the way? Could be the flu, I have felt pretty crappy this past week, who knows.)

My husband still isn't used to my weird vomit ritual. Yes ladies and gents it happens often enough that there is a ritual to the process. It involves me laying on the floor with my precious pillow waiting for the next round to come with a cold cloth on my face. It happens at least every few months. If something doesn't sit right, it comes out. I have no control over it. One of my old friends used to joke, 'Jen, yeah, she's a puker. She'll be fine in a few minutes' which is usually as long as it takes. Last night, it took way longer than it should have. When I finally went to bed, I grabbed Bernardo to cuddle(which I usually don't do, he stays in the luxury suites), and was out.

This morning, had to get up early to let the carpet guys in to put back the three things they didn't do last week (see carpet nightmares). I think they could tell I was a bit under the weather. Fortunately they were in and out pretty quickly and I got to go back to bed. Slept another two hours, still feel crappy. I made myself eat a piece of toast and am going to make it through the rest of the day. Good thing I have soup, crackers and my precious Sprite.

Getting my ass kicked, again

Have you ever had this thought.....  I know my hands are full, and it is just a piece of card board, I'll just kick it out of the way, it will be fine.  Well, thats when this happened (and yes, I dropped the adult beverages that were in my hand!)  It was wicked painful!

It swelled up like nobodies business to the point of having to be iced several times, wouldn't stop bleeding, burns like a mother when water touches it (making showering so much fun!) and I can't wear any shoes other than flip flops.  I swear to all that is holy this can only happen to me.  I have the weirdest crap happen to me!!!

So, once again, aren't you glad your not me!!!

OMG, I Found Myself!

One of the things I like to do is go blog skipping. Its where you sit and hit the next button at the top of the blog to see what is next. You can find all kinds of cool blogs out there that way. I usually just get them written in another language.

But, not today. I found some cool sites at first but then coolest thing, I skipped on over to my own place! I can't believe that happened. How often does that even happen?

Blog skipping is the way my monkeys were discovered by Candid Carrie who has been quite the cheerleader to keep me writing. This blog is just my little side project with stuff that wouldn't quite work on a knit monkey blog. I'm just so excited I had to post about it. Go Me!!!

I Ran In Fear

What does a grown woman do when she sees a foot long Brown snake in the garage?  First instinct, run in fear.  I turned into a 5 year old in the face of a tiny snake.  I freaked out, got in the car and waited for my mother in law to take care of it.  I made it half way down the driveway and decided I needed to help take care of it.  She dropped a rock by it at first and it didn't move.  Maybe its dead.  Right?  She touched it with her broom and it slithered up into a hole by the garage.  (I think I may have even screamed at that point.)  Yep, its alive.  It peeked its head out of the hole on the other side, so I grabbed another broom, and started to sweep it towards the rocks and bushes.  It went fairly easily, it was quite tiny.  It slithered away not to be seen again (yet).  I even freaked out a bit looking up the type of snake and the picture to post.  I commented "I'm sure glad thats over"  When I look up to find the beginnings of a wasp nest with 6 wasps crawling around on it.  I hate wasps more than snakes!  Thats it, I'm done.  I dealt with a snake and now there are wasps!!!  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm leaving it for my husband to take care of when he gets home.  I'm done dealing with creepy creatures today!

Just another game of grab ass

This is my 25 gallon fish tank. Housed within are some African Cichlids, two Clown Loches and a Blue Johanni. We have to take down the fish tank today to get new carpet (THE NIGHTMARE OF ALL NIGHTMARES) and I am worried about putting Mr. Johanni into a bucket with the rest of the fish seeing he has been terrorizing them, or as we put it playing grab ass. However, fish really don't have asses, so I don't know how that really works. As I sit here and type I can hear the pleas of the other fish not to be put in with him as well as swimming for their lives.

The Johanni hangs out in the castle like structure on the left. He sticks his head out occassionally and if anybody is nearby he goes in for the chase, and doesn't let up easily. We put a new fish in the tank one evening. The next morning most of its anal fins (huh huh, anal fins) were completely chewed and it was suffering from severe stress. I ended up moving him in with a beta in a 5 gallon tank and he is now doing swimmingly.
Here you can see him peeking out going for the kill. This is the best picture I could get due to how quickly he darts out of there, chasing everyone else like he is the king of the tank.

So, what to do with him today.  I hear an old John Lennon song going through my head....Isolation....  I got out 2 ~ 5 gallon buckets and started syphoning the water out of the tank, Once mostly full, Johanni and big blue go in one bucket, the rest in the other.  Transport buckets to bathroom for safekeeping for the day, cover and head on out.  What I hear for the next few minutes was strange.  It sounded like some massive struggle in one of the buckets, water splashing, sounds of jumping.  Guess who, Johanni don't like being in a bucket, and thank goodness that my husband thought to cover the buckets or we would be down one mean ass fish.

Left for a few hours, came back and the fish are still at it.  Chasing and splashing away.  Fortunately they were almost done and we got the tank up with (so far) no casualties.  However big blue isn't looking so hot :(  He's one of my favs.  I hope he makes it....

On a side note, I feel kinda bad for complaining yesterday about the carpet.  I guess the driver who was supposed to substitute for the sick driver died!  Now do I feel like an ass.  I guess he was canoeing, it tipped, and he hit his head on a rock and died.  Oh yeah, I forgot to share that little tid bit with my husband who later said to the carpet guys "I sure hope that the driver had a good excuse" (open mouth, insert foot)  Carpet guy "uh, he died"  There was an odd quiet for a second, then some uncomfortable laughter.....

Creative Juices A Flowin' Again

Well, with no furniture in here today I had to find something to do. What is better than making more jewelry? Nothing. So I plopped on the floor, got out my beads and board and went to town. I did 6 different necklaces using the same pendant. I posted two of them yesterday. Here are today's additions: This one is made with the Botswana Agate, Green Jade, Garnet and a variety of shapes and sizes of Tourmoline. Very pretty. I love how the Agate has a bit of green on top.

I also decided to make a men's version of the necklace out of various sizes of Black Agate rounds and tubes. For some reason, guys always buy the black jewelry more than anything else. Go figure.This one is made from a variety of Rainbow Fluorite tubes and pebbles along with some Citrine rounds. I accidentally ordered the wrong beads about a year ago and never sent them back. Came in good use today!

This last one is the one I am keeping. I always keep one if I make a bunch. This is a variety of Tourmaline, one of my favorite stones of all time. Hard to find good quality, but our local Bead Supply store usually has some good ones.

Tonight, I plan on finishing up 2 malas. One Sodalite, a beautiful blue and white speckled stone and a Serpentine one that is about the color of Perdot. I am really bored. I need my apartment back!!! Please carpet gods look kindly on us!

Carpet Nightmares

Have you ever just wanted to scream, but know that you can't at that given moment? That is how I felt about 20 minutes ago when the carpet guy called. The installation would be delayed another day!!! WHAT!!! Do you realize our entire living room is disassembled to the point of not having a chair in there since MONDAY! It will be done on THURSDAY or so you say, each morning seems to come with an excuse.

We knew going in that the carpet was due to arrive at the store either on Monday night or Tuesday morning. Whenever it arrived they were going to come and do it. Tuesday morning call: My driver was sick on Monday and didn't pick it up. He will pick it up on today's route. This mornings call: The driver didn't go on the route he was supposed to yesterday and didn't pick up your carpet. I even drove down to *** to pick it up but it was at the back of the truck and couldn't get it.

Wait a minute, you couldn't get it. You have two VERY DISSATISFIED customers who you know are going to be pissed off when you make this call and you made no effort to dismantle the truck to get our carpet!!! Its called effort, its called work ethic, its call custom satisfaction for a reason. You get on that truck, you get our carpet, you get to our house, you install it. It seems like a relatively easy concept to grasp!

OK, the rational side is taking over. I know how big those trucks are. I know how much carpet they hold. It took balls to call and you should be very thankful that I picked up the phone and not my husband who is waaaay more pissed off than I am. I am trying not to grit my teeth, clench my jaw, get my blood pressure up, etc. I understand that things don't always go the right way, for some reason I think my husband and I are cursed sometimes.

So, aren't you glad your not me waiting around in an empty apartment waiting for carpet to arrive God knows when.....

And aren't you glad your not the carpet guy who doesn't know it yet but will be moving the furniture back in tomorrow because my husband works until at least 9:00 PM and I am not doing it alone.

Guess I'll go find something to do, where are those pesky monkeys?

Creative Juices A Flowin' Again

Again with the creative juices.  I was expecting to be scarce today as we were supposed to be getting our new carpet installed.  Well, that didn't happen (the driver was sick yesterday and couldn't pick it up) and all we have in the living room is a chair and a TV.  Everything else is outside on the sun porch which makes for a long boring day.  Even as I type this on my laptop I am laying on the floor stealing my neighbors WIFI.  Not very comfy at all.  Glad I went to yoga!

I made 2 necklaces today and hope to finish two more tonight.  I am entering a couple of design contests so any critiques would be appreciated.  I went shopping earlier today and picked up 6 Botswana Agate centerpiece beads, and am trying to focus on them for the time being.

This first one has a Botswana centerpiece with Amber and Golden Jade (in 2 sizes).  I am a big fan of Golden Jade.  The coloring variations from bead to bead are fantastic.

This second necklace has the Botswana centerpiece with Wooden Agate (in 2 sizes) and Black Agate.  The Black Agate beads are the 8mm ones.  I really like the color variations within the Botswana Agate, they can go with most any color.

Later tonight I plan on trying to make one with various sizes and colors of Tourmaline and another with Lavender Florite.  If I get them done, I will post later. Who knows if they will get done tonight.  Like I said earlier any critique (good or bad) is welcome.