Many bad words...

I am thinking of a word that starts with an F and rhymes with duck. You know how you think financially everything is going o.k., then all of a sudden things take a turn for the worse. This has been my last month.

1. Home PC died. We knew it was coming, so it wasn't such a shock, but then the monitor went with it. Had to get both. Yeah, an extra couple hundred on top of that.

2. $808 for a grad class that started in January, plus the cost of books.

3. Digital camera just died. The screen just stopped working, today. I can take pictures, but I can't see them until I download them. How 1990. I'll have to wait to have the photo developed. I can't afford a camera right now. Maybe it will make me appreciate the simpler things in life.

4. Just found out the course that was supposed to start in June actually started in Feb. Now I am begging to get into the class a month late to pay another $808 for that class plus the cost of books. Not to mention IF I get in the massive amount of homework to make up what I missed.....

I think over spring break next week I am not going to leave the house. I may get struck by lightning, get a flat tire, break a bone, god only knows. Shit, who have I Karmically pissed off lately.

I'm just going to say it.....

fuck!

Daily Dose of Funny... A trip to the Gynecologist

So, I took a half day off of work on Thursday to go to two, count them two doctors' appointments. The first was a trip to the gynecologist...... Oh, what fun!

I got there a bit early, hoping I would get done sooner. NOPE. Took my information, gave them my card and I was off to the exam room. Of course you can't just go back there, you have to be weighed and blood pressure taken. My BP was a bit high, but can you blame me?

Back in the exam room I had to go over my family health history. Who has what diseases, diagnosis's, and ailments. Then I have to review my sexual history. Have you had any STD's? NO! Have you ever been afraid of your partner? NO! How long have you been with your current partner? 14 years..... holy shit we've been together for 14 years! Then comes "so you have had x (insert number here) number of partners in your life." I looked at her blankly, I honestly couldn't remember if that number was correct. I think I said "I guess so." Come on, when you've been with someone more than a decade you might forget one or two.

She leave the room and the real fun begins! I get undressed and put on my gown and 'privacy' blanket that covers a 3'x3' square and I sit there waiting for the doctor to come in.

.....and wait

.....and wait

..... and wait.

I look at my watch, nearly 20 minutes had gone by. I was about to put on my clothes and go search for someone when I hear a knock at the door. The doctor is finally there. YEAH!!! (there was an emergency ultrasound, which made her late)

Before the exam begins I get lectured on weight loss, and the importance of exercise. Yes, I know I am fat. I have been really aware of it over the last 20 minutes sitting naked in a strange room! But thanks for pointing it out!

The first part is the breast exam. No problem there. She was shocked when I said I do monthly self-exams. Heck, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over a year ago, it's in my routine to check. (FYI- Mom is fine, it was benign. Just a little lumpectomy and radiation and she was good to go.)

Next comes the every favorite internal exam. Scoot to the end of the table. Check! Feet in the thingys. Check! Let my legs 'fall open'. Check! Speculum in place. Check! Sample taken. Check!

Here is the best part..... Legs spread, speculum STILL in, doctor says "WELL, THINGS LOOK AWESOME!"

WHAT!!!!!

Did she just refer to my uterus as awesome?!? In my confusion I think I uttered a "Thank You"? Really, what can you say to that? What would you have said to that?

Californication... Adult Content Read At Own Risk...

First off let me tell you I am a HUGE David Duchovny fan.  I first fell in love with him when he played the cross dressing FBI agent Denise in Twin Peaks.  One of my all time favorite shows.  From day 1 I had to know who killed Laura Palmer and why.  Fucked up series though.  On the season 2 DVD set there is a funny story he tells about having to shave his legs for the part, then went to swim some laps and got some funny looks.  Hey, male swimmers shave their legs, I know, I've helped them!

Then it was Fox Mulder with the FBI (again) in X-Files.  Back when we were first dating, my husband and I would snuggle up on the couch in his apartment and watch each week.  Great show as well.  One of my favorite episodes was the one where they did the COPS parody.  Good stuff.

Now Californication.  I must start by saying we don't have Showtime or any other movie network for that matter so I had no idea what this Californication was until I saw a commercial that said 'Season 1 now available'.  I figured that if David Duchovny is in it so it has to be great.  He plays a writer who hasn't written anything descent since moving from New York.  So last night we watched the first 3 episodes and I know where the 'fornication' in Californication comes from.  

For example last night I saw:

• more boobs in a thirty minute show should ever have (no way were all of them real)
• a half naked Duchovny grab a painting off a wall and throw up on it when caught about to have sex, on his ex-girlfriends bed
• Duchovny get punched in the face while having sex to keep from climaxing (which we later discover she is 16 and the daughter of the man his ex is about to marry)
• more sex than a thirty minute show should ever have
• An explanation of the 'little man in the boat' to an inept husband
• Him pick up his daughter without his pants because he couldn't find them when said inept husband came home early and almost caught him having sex with his wife.

Three phrases of note from the show:

• "Where did you get the black eye" (from the 16 year old who gave it to him, and in front of her dad)
• "Like that time you finger banged your cat"  (I actually spit out my drink when I heard that one!)
• "You smell like pussy" ex girlfriend, response: "Thank you"

All that being said, I love the show.  I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.  Oh, yeah and he is a blogger for a magazine called Hell LA (I think).  I am anxiously waiting to watch more.  Can't wait until tonight!!!!

Summer Treats

Its that time of the year again. My favorite time of year, summer. It takes me back to my childhood of going to the pool, playing softball, wandering in the woods with my brother and the best part Fourth of July. Every year my parents hosted a huge party at the house. My mom always made tons of food as well as adult beverages that from time to time I would sneak. (I think she knew though) Always delicious and simple. I thought I would share her classic with you as well as an upgrade. You may want to keep The Classic out of the kids hands. It can be potent.Lime Slush (The Classic)
1 can Limeade (It helps if it is thawed, but not necessary)
1 can Lime Vodka
Ice
Sprite or 7-Up
Fill blender 1/2 full with ice. Pour in Limeade and Vodka and blend until smooth. Place 3-4 spoon fulls in a glass, top off with Sprite or 7-Up. Store in an airtight container in freezer. Keeps for weeks. You can modify how much slush you want, each person has their preference.


Strawberry Margarita Sorbet (The Upgrade)
1/3 C. Tequila
1/4 C. Triple Sec
1 C. Sugar
2 C. Water
32 oz. Frozen Strawberries

Put water and sugar into a pot and bring to a boil stirring until sugar is dissolved. Set aside to cool. (Can be done a day ahead, which I recommend)

Thaw Strawberries in microwave, puree juice and all in blender until smooth.

Combine all ingredients and mix well. Place in a 9x13 pan and place in the freezer. Stir every 45 minutes until frozen. (I use a whisk, make sure to get the sides.) Store in an airtight container in the freezer. Keeps for weeks.

The picture is actually of a red raspberry margarita sorbet.  You can use other fruits if you have a personal favorite, give it a try and see if it works. This batch was made back in March and it is still good today.  I think I might have some tonight for dessert. YUM!

Adult Book Store Antics!

Well, that's a good hook, huh!

About ten years ago I was banned from an adult bookstore with one of my friends for three months. They even photocopied our driver's licenses and posted them BY THE DOOR saying "These two are banned from the premises until October 16, 1997" Here's the deal:

My friend, we'll call him B, had just been dumped by his girlfriend. So, what is more therapeutic than getting drunk and going to the local adult book store. It was our best idea, so we broke out the Rumplemintz and shot glasses and went to work! Half a bottle later, four of us were headed out the door to the 'local' ABS

I hate to admit how we got to the bookstore, but I was the only one who knew how to get there. (Yes, I had been there before, but can honestly say I have never been back!) Against better judgement, I drove. I had taken ONLY three shots. I say that lightly. You have a different frame of mind when you are 22 and no matter what you do, you are invincible.

We get there, giggle, walk in, giggle, and B sees it. GIGGLE!!! A giant 6 foot inflatable penis! Well, what do you do with a giant 6 foot inflatable penis? Well, you punch it like one of those punching clowns, DUH!

B thrusts his fist toward the giant penis, he plunges back. Giggle! He is so drunk that his reaction time is severely delayed and he keeps his fist out. Penis springs back. Fist still out, B still drunk. Penis hits outstretched fist. (Still drunk, I see a theme) No one realized how much was imbibed until this moment. Penis goes past fist, hits him in the head, knocks him over.

Now picture this like a slow motion movie segment.... B falling backwards... Penis bobbing back and forth... Discount bin of 'toys' behind him... Penis bobbing, B falling. Discount bin knocked over, toys fly up in air, B falling back, penis bobbing back and forth. Ben hits the floor, adult 'toys' fly up, then back down around him, penis still bobbing back and forth.

Ben find this hilarious, grabs my leg and pulls me to the ground with him. I knock over a rack of cards, only a few fly out, and land on the floor laughing my ass off!

Enter clerk into the situation. I am sure he has seen worse by the way! Can I see your ID's please? "Why" I want to make sure you are old enough to be in here. "sure, here you go". and he walks off. A few minutes later, we got our ID's back and were told "You need to leave the premises. You are banned for three months after which time you may return. You have two minutes before I call the police. Have a nice day"

The other two who came with us stayed and did a little shopping. On the way home, B vommmmmited out the car window, which turned into another sticky situation. But we will leave it at that. I am sure I have embarrassed him enough for one day.

*Disclaimer: Being a wee bit intoxicated during the ordeal gave me a different perspective. For those involved they may remember it differently. I prefer my way. Much more humorous!