May 19, 2008

Adult Book Store Antics!

Well, that's a good hook, huh!

About ten years ago I was banned from an adult bookstore with one of my friends for three months. They even photocopied our driver's licenses and posted them BY THE DOOR saying "These two are banned from the premises until October 16, 1997" Here's the deal:

My friend, we'll call him B, had just been dumped by his girlfriend. So, what is more therapeutic than getting drunk and going to the local adult book store. It was our best idea, so we broke out the Rumplemintz and shot glasses and went to work! Half a bottle later, four of us were headed out the door to the 'local' ABS

I hate to admit how we got to the bookstore, but I was the only one who knew how to get there. (Yes, I had been there before, but can honestly say I have never been back!) Against better judgement, I drove. I had taken ONLY three shots. I say that lightly. You have a different frame of mind when you are 22 and no matter what you do, you are invincible.

We get there, giggle, walk in, giggle, and B sees it. GIGGLE!!! A giant 6 foot inflatable penis! Well, what do you do with a giant 6 foot inflatable penis? Well, you punch it like one of those punching clowns, DUH!

B thrusts his fist toward the giant penis, he plunges back. Giggle! He is so drunk that his reaction time is severely delayed and he keeps his fist out. Penis springs back. Fist still out, B still drunk. Penis hits outstretched fist. (Still drunk, I see a theme) No one realized how much was imbibed until this moment. Penis goes past fist, hits him in the head, knocks him over.

Now picture this like a slow motion movie segment.... B falling backwards... Penis bobbing back and forth... Discount bin of 'toys' behind him... Penis bobbing, B falling. Discount bin knocked over, toys fly up in air, B falling back, penis bobbing back and forth. Ben hits the floor, adult 'toys' fly up, then back down around him, penis still bobbing back and forth.

Ben find this hilarious, grabs my leg and pulls me to the ground with him. I knock over a rack of cards, only a few fly out, and land on the floor laughing my ass off!

Enter clerk into the situation. I am sure he has seen worse by the way! Can I see your ID's please? "Why" I want to make sure you are old enough to be in here. "sure, here you go". and he walks off. A few minutes later, we got our ID's back and were told "You need to leave the premises. You are banned for three months after which time you may return. You have two minutes before I call the police. Have a nice day"

The other two who came with us stayed and did a little shopping. On the way home, B vommmmmited out the car window, which turned into another sticky situation. But we will leave it at that. I am sure I have embarrassed him enough for one day.

*Disclaimer: Being a wee bit intoxicated during the ordeal gave me a different perspective. For those involved they may remember it differently. I prefer my way. Much more humorous!


  1. That is hillarious. I am going to take a friend to an ABS the next time one of the breaks up with someone. :)

  2. Don't go drunk, unless you are willing to pay the price!

  3. 1. I never knew what ABS was until right this moment. Thank you for that education, missy. Once a teacher always a teacher.

    2. You take shots? Here we drink them.

    3. A six foot penis? I am guessing it was black.

    4. Obviously Ben was (wait for it) cold cocked.

  4. Clocking by a penis...interesting.

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